Cartwheels

I've never done a cartwheel in my life. True story. I've always wanted to be able to. It seemed like something every child should have been able to do. I never could. But it wasn't because I didn't have the physical ability. I would start off well, take a few steps, do the little hop before the actual cartwheel, put my hands over my head, begin the downward motion, and then....I would stop. I just couldn't go through with it. I was scared. Scared that I was going to fall. Scared I was going to fail. It didn't matter if I was alone or with friends. I just couldn't complete the the whole cartwheel. The biggest issue was fear.

Fear has been my companion for awhile. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of what I didn't know, fear of what I couldn't control. Fear has stopped me from doing things because I was afraid of rejection. For instance, when I was in middle school, I wanted to try out for cheerleading. I remember the advertising for the tryouts and the workouts for the tryouts. I didn't go. I knew I couldn't do some of the jumps. And I knew I couldn't do splits. So, I figured that it was pointless to try out. Later, I realized that they probably taught you how to do those things during the workouts. I always thought I would have made a great cheerleader. =) And I know I would have enjoyed it. But I let fear stop me. I was afraid that I wouldn't be chosen for the team, so, I just didn't try out. Looking back, I sincerely think that it would have been better to have tried out and not made it than to never try out.  I'll never know, because I never tried.

Fast forward many years.....

I was a sophomore in college. I was studying Elementary Education. I wanted to be a teacher. I was doing very well in my classes and had completed my observations in the school settings. One of the things that you have to do is take a test called the PRAXIS. Everyone kept saying how hard it was. Especially the math section. And you had to pass it. Which meant, it you wanted to teach, you had to keep paying to take it, until you passed it. I became afraid. What if I couldn't pass it? Math was not my strong point. I actually became so scared of the possibility of not passing that test that I began to doubt what I wanted to do. That fear became so strong that I decided that I no longer wanted to be an Elementary school teacher and I decided that I would work with younger children. I came home from West Virginia, and told my parents that I wasn't going back. I ended up going to a local community college and getting my Associate's Degree in Early Childhood Development. Now, I'm 33 and back in school to finish my Bachelor's. I let fear change my whole direction in life.

Do you see the pattern developing here?

There have been jobs that I haven't applied for, relationships I wouldn't walk away from, no matter how toxic it was, and other decisions I just wouldn't make because of fear. Not only the fear of failure, but fear of success. I couldn't see what it would look like if my life changed. Even for the better.

So here I am. The me I am now. And I determined to make a change. To step out on a limb...to do things I wouldn't do before. Maybe not life changing things. But just little things. Because little steps add up to big changes...And maybe even life changing things.

The most important thing I have learned the last few months, is that I want to be true to myself. I don't want to live in fear, and I don't want to hold myself back. That's not fair to me, and its not fair to those around me. The ones who have supported me and have believed in me. So, for this year, and every year,  I want live bravely. Face some fears. Step out of my comfort zone and have some fun.