Wrapping up 2015...with a bow...

To say that 2015 brought change, would be an understatement.

I started a new job. It's been a lot to learn. Some very stressful days and some things that I still wonder if I will every get my head wrapped around. But, I love a good challenge. And every day that I'm able to use new knowledge or skill is a good day. And my co-workers are the best. We have a great time.

I did some things that were on my bucket list. I went to a firing range. I went to a dance class. Both of which I enjoyed very much. The dance class was line dancing. It was so much fun, that I invited my friend Justin. Justin had so much fun that he invited his friend, Steven. Which meant that Steven and I met. A friendship formed. And then that friendship has turned into more.

Steven and I have been dating for several weeks. We have so much fun together. We laugh A LOT. We have been to a Tennessee Volunteers game at Neyland Stadium. He's taught me how to shoot. We've visited some of my family. We go to line dancing together. We just have a lot of fun.

I can't wait to share the holidays with him. And I can't wait to see what 2016 has in store.

Memories

Recently, my cousins were in for the weekend for the funeral of my uncle. It had been the first time that we had most of us together in a couple of years, and even though it was a sad occasion, it felt good to be together.

When we were growing up, my family used to gather at my grandmother's home every Sunday for dinner. I remember always looking forward to Sundays. I knew I was going to get to see my cousins, and we were going to find some kind of mischief.

Granny was not able to attend church by that time, so while we were at church, she prepared Sunday dinner. She never really thought she had made anything special, but if you were at her table, you felt that it was the best meal you had ever had.

She would prepare foods that she knew were favorites of her family and always made sure that if that was your favorite dish, that you got the first serving.

But one of the best parts of the Sundays was hearing the stories about how our parents grew up, and what their favorite memories were. By the time you left, you felt that you knew people who you had never met.

I remember laying under the bed (one of my favorite hiding places), and hearing memories of aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents and family friends.  Sunday dinners would last hours sometimes. Dinner was always followed by coffee. And more stories.

Sometimes there was singing.

I really think those were some of the best memories of my childhood.

Other memories include playing in my grandmother's front yard with my cousins. We climbed trees, played Hide- and- Seek, and even raced the Dukes of Hazard Big Wheel. There was always something fun going on when all of us were together. 

This year, I hope to get a little of that closeness back. I don't want every time we get together to be for sad events. I want to make new, happy memories. 

No Need to Explain

Recently, I was talking to my parents about a conversation I had with someone, who had asked me why I wasn't dating anyone currently.  I told my parents that I had explained to the person, that right now with my new position at work, and working longer days, that I really didn't feel that I had the time to commit to anyone but myself, but that I'm not closed off to the idea of dating casually.

But more than that, I'm just content where I am. I'm enjoying spending time with my friends, my family, and myself.  I am content to go to movies with friends or alone.. To eat out with someone or alone...to head to bed early, or stay up late.  To decide what I want to wear, not to impress anyone, but just because I like what I'm wearing. To go where I want to go, when I want to go. Now listen...I'm not saying that your can't do those things while in a relationship. You totally can. But...I know me. I know that I need this time to myself. To be so secure in myself and who I am, so that when I meet THAT person, I can be right for them. I'm in no rush. If it happens tomorrow, that's fine. If it happens next year, that's fine. If it never happens, that's okay too.  Because loving myself, and valuing myself and my time is necessary. It's important for everyone. 

So anyway, I was explaining this to my parents. That it felt great to just be content. I've always felt that if I wasn't in a relationship, that somehow, I was worth less as a person. I've discovered that was a lie I let myself believe. I allowed my value to be defined by what someone else thought of me.  In past relationships, I found my identity in someone else, instead of finding it in who I am. I let my happiness depend on someone else. Not just in one past relationship, but in many. And not just romantic relationships, but in some friendships. 

I'm no longer willing to do that. Because, at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with me. And I refuse to live my life not feeling good enough, or insecure. That's why my bucket list is so important to me. I need to try new things. See what I like, and what I don't. Some adventures will probably be a bust...but, at least I can say that I tried. That I have lived. That I wasn't held back by fear. And hey, at least I'll have a good story! 

This was not where I had imagined I would be a year ago. I'll admit that. But, it's where I am. And I accept it. And honestly, I'm excited about the future. I'm looking forward to it. I want to have fun, and honestly, I am. And it feels good....I can honestly say that I am happy. 

The best part of this...after explaining all of this to my parents....my dad looks and me and says..."you don't have to explain anything...you don't need an explanation." 

How'd I get so lucky?

No Ice Skating for me...

So, at the beginning of the month, I made a list of things that I wanted to do, learn or try for this year. Here's an update...

I wanted to go ice skating. I tried. I did. The day I went, I stood in line. I waited. I was pretty excited. And then the announcement came. The facility was at capacity. No more skaters would be allowed in that day, unless we wanted to wait an undisclosed amount of time, for others to leave. 

Ya'll. Sad Face.

I was towards the back of the line. Which wrapped around most of the venue. 

As much as I wanted to give it a go, I was not waiting that long. 

I left. 

There was no way.

I went to a movie. 

Bucket list Fail. For now. To be continued....

Cartwheels

I've never done a cartwheel in my life. True story. I've always wanted to be able to. It seemed like something every child should have been able to do. I never could. But it wasn't because I didn't have the physical ability. I would start off well, take a few steps, do the little hop before the actual cartwheel, put my hands over my head, begin the downward motion, and then....I would stop. I just couldn't go through with it. I was scared. Scared that I was going to fall. Scared I was going to fail. It didn't matter if I was alone or with friends. I just couldn't complete the the whole cartwheel. The biggest issue was fear.

Fear has been my companion for awhile. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of what I didn't know, fear of what I couldn't control. Fear has stopped me from doing things because I was afraid of rejection. For instance, when I was in middle school, I wanted to try out for cheerleading. I remember the advertising for the tryouts and the workouts for the tryouts. I didn't go. I knew I couldn't do some of the jumps. And I knew I couldn't do splits. So, I figured that it was pointless to try out. Later, I realized that they probably taught you how to do those things during the workouts. I always thought I would have made a great cheerleader. =) And I know I would have enjoyed it. But I let fear stop me. I was afraid that I wouldn't be chosen for the team, so, I just didn't try out. Looking back, I sincerely think that it would have been better to have tried out and not made it than to never try out.  I'll never know, because I never tried.

Fast forward many years.....

I was a sophomore in college. I was studying Elementary Education. I wanted to be a teacher. I was doing very well in my classes and had completed my observations in the school settings. One of the things that you have to do is take a test called the PRAXIS. Everyone kept saying how hard it was. Especially the math section. And you had to pass it. Which meant, it you wanted to teach, you had to keep paying to take it, until you passed it. I became afraid. What if I couldn't pass it? Math was not my strong point. I actually became so scared of the possibility of not passing that test that I began to doubt what I wanted to do. That fear became so strong that I decided that I no longer wanted to be an Elementary school teacher and I decided that I would work with younger children. I came home from West Virginia, and told my parents that I wasn't going back. I ended up going to a local community college and getting my Associate's Degree in Early Childhood Development. Now, I'm 33 and back in school to finish my Bachelor's. I let fear change my whole direction in life.

Do you see the pattern developing here?

There have been jobs that I haven't applied for, relationships I wouldn't walk away from, no matter how toxic it was, and other decisions I just wouldn't make because of fear. Not only the fear of failure, but fear of success. I couldn't see what it would look like if my life changed. Even for the better.

So here I am. The me I am now. And I determined to make a change. To step out on a limb...to do things I wouldn't do before. Maybe not life changing things. But just little things. Because little steps add up to big changes...And maybe even life changing things.

The most important thing I have learned the last few months, is that I want to be true to myself. I don't want to live in fear, and I don't want to hold myself back. That's not fair to me, and its not fair to those around me. The ones who have supported me and have believed in me. So, for this year, and every year,  I want live bravely. Face some fears. Step out of my comfort zone and have some fun.

Reading Challenge

Yesterday was not a good pain day for me. So, I decided staying in bed and begin my reading challenge was a great idea. I'm a pretty fast reader and I enjoy reading. And when I read I feel like I'm able to imagine the setting and the events. I can get lost in a book for hours. So that is what I did yesterday. 

 On Pinterest, I found a 2015 Reading Challenge. 

For my first book, I read "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. 

First let me say, that I can see why this book was a best seller and chosen for Oprah's Book Club many years ago. I found the style of writing very easy to follow. And I think that for some people the book was pretty amazing. I have to confess, I didn't love it. But I finished it. The premise of the book is about a man who hits rock bottom and goes to drug and alcohol rehab. However, while there, he doesn't really follow any of the program steps and feels he can just make the choice to not use. I found this to be unrealistic, and honestly, the main character, James, annoyed me. I realize that this was not a non-fiction book, although it was first advertised as a memoir, but it still annoyed me. It was pretty intense, and maybe I just wasn't in a place where I could appreciate it, because of that. I don't really need intense at this point in my life. 

So, while its not a book I would recommend to anyone, I'm glad to check off one of the books on the reading list. Now to choose the next one...