Memories

Recently, my cousins were in for the weekend for the funeral of my uncle. It had been the first time that we had most of us together in a couple of years, and even though it was a sad occasion, it felt good to be together.

When we were growing up, my family used to gather at my grandmother's home every Sunday for dinner. I remember always looking forward to Sundays. I knew I was going to get to see my cousins, and we were going to find some kind of mischief.

Granny was not able to attend church by that time, so while we were at church, she prepared Sunday dinner. She never really thought she had made anything special, but if you were at her table, you felt that it was the best meal you had ever had.

She would prepare foods that she knew were favorites of her family and always made sure that if that was your favorite dish, that you got the first serving.

But one of the best parts of the Sundays was hearing the stories about how our parents grew up, and what their favorite memories were. By the time you left, you felt that you knew people who you had never met.

I remember laying under the bed (one of my favorite hiding places), and hearing memories of aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents and family friends.  Sunday dinners would last hours sometimes. Dinner was always followed by coffee. And more stories.

Sometimes there was singing.

I really think those were some of the best memories of my childhood.

Other memories include playing in my grandmother's front yard with my cousins. We climbed trees, played Hide- and- Seek, and even raced the Dukes of Hazard Big Wheel. There was always something fun going on when all of us were together. 

This year, I hope to get a little of that closeness back. I don't want every time we get together to be for sad events. I want to make new, happy memories. 

No Need to Explain

Recently, I was talking to my parents about a conversation I had with someone, who had asked me why I wasn't dating anyone currently.  I told my parents that I had explained to the person, that right now with my new position at work, and working longer days, that I really didn't feel that I had the time to commit to anyone but myself, but that I'm not closed off to the idea of dating casually.

But more than that, I'm just content where I am. I'm enjoying spending time with my friends, my family, and myself.  I am content to go to movies with friends or alone.. To eat out with someone or alone...to head to bed early, or stay up late.  To decide what I want to wear, not to impress anyone, but just because I like what I'm wearing. To go where I want to go, when I want to go. Now listen...I'm not saying that your can't do those things while in a relationship. You totally can. But...I know me. I know that I need this time to myself. To be so secure in myself and who I am, so that when I meet THAT person, I can be right for them. I'm in no rush. If it happens tomorrow, that's fine. If it happens next year, that's fine. If it never happens, that's okay too.  Because loving myself, and valuing myself and my time is necessary. It's important for everyone. 

So anyway, I was explaining this to my parents. That it felt great to just be content. I've always felt that if I wasn't in a relationship, that somehow, I was worth less as a person. I've discovered that was a lie I let myself believe. I allowed my value to be defined by what someone else thought of me.  In past relationships, I found my identity in someone else, instead of finding it in who I am. I let my happiness depend on someone else. Not just in one past relationship, but in many. And not just romantic relationships, but in some friendships. 

I'm no longer willing to do that. Because, at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with me. And I refuse to live my life not feeling good enough, or insecure. That's why my bucket list is so important to me. I need to try new things. See what I like, and what I don't. Some adventures will probably be a bust...but, at least I can say that I tried. That I have lived. That I wasn't held back by fear. And hey, at least I'll have a good story! 

This was not where I had imagined I would be a year ago. I'll admit that. But, it's where I am. And I accept it. And honestly, I'm excited about the future. I'm looking forward to it. I want to have fun, and honestly, I am. And it feels good....I can honestly say that I am happy. 

The best part of this...after explaining all of this to my parents....my dad looks and me and says..."you don't have to explain anything...you don't need an explanation." 

How'd I get so lucky?